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Esky Scooters Exist and I Can't Even

July 27, 2020

I'd like to introduce you to your new dream vehicle. It's practical, sexy, and will have jaws dropping with envy everywhere you go. That's right, it's the Esky bike.

Otherwise known as a motorised esky scooter, it's hard to imagine anything else which sums up stereotypes of Aussie Bloke culture so succinctly. You know it'll keep your drinks cold, but just think about how it can elevate your own coolness. No more running in thongs across hot sand dunes while you hold up your slipping trackie daks. No more unsightly sweat patches under your arms. The only thing you'll be wiping off your brow is cool refreshing condensation.

But things aren't all bright and sunny in Eskyville. Don't take things too far and get booked for an Esky road crime. That's right, esky road crimes are a thing, and have been showing up in the news for years now.

The legality of riding an esky scooter is in a bit of a regulatory tight spot even without misbehaviour and reckless driving involved. It's considered to be a motor vehicle, so you need it to be properly registered to drive on public roads or footpaths. Only thing is, it's impossible to register an esky, meaning that driving to the shops on your esky will forever be a pipe dream.

But one of the worst offences people have been caught for while riding an esky is driving under the influence of alcohol. That could rack you up a driving disqualification in addition to whatever fines you pay, making it a very expensive scooter ride.

If this all sounds a little over the top, keep in perspective that the rules are there to protect both drivers and pedestrians. Although esky scooters are relatively uncommon and so haven't resulted in many accidents, similar electric scooters have been associated with a string of accidents worldwide. Most result in injury or even death to the driver, but many also affect pedestrians or other vehicles.

It's sobering proof that even the most benign vehicles can be dangerous if driven carelessly. But if you're sober, conscious of your surroundings, and driving one of these beasts on private property, there's no reason to not enjoy the cold storage and convenient seat in good fun.